Sunday, May 7, 2017

I don't know how you do it.

"I don't know how you do it," ... That's the statement we hear a lot.

Our current life is not easy.
It's actually the hardest it's ever been.
The past couple of years have been ruthless to us.

We know HOW we do it.
It's only Jesus.
It's only God's grace that carries us.

It doesn't always feel that way though.
Sometimes it feels like we are drowning, with nothing and no one to grab onto.
But, the water always subsides. Most of the time to simply rise again another day.
It's never "over." 

We keep saying how much we'd like this to be "over." But, I've come to the conclusion that this may not ever be completely "over" for us, nor for our sweet girl.

I'm coming to grips with the fact that this may be something we have to deal with the rest of our lives. Things may get better. Things may get manageable. From time to time, things may get worse. Our job is to just handle it the best we can.
That's how we "do it."

Whatever is thrown at you, you just have to deal with it. There's no escape, no running and hiding, no letting someone else handle it for you. Nope. You have to deal with the trials of life and unforeseen circumstances.

Life is tough, people.
There's just no way around it: Trials will come.
Jesus promised it: "Here on earth you WILL have many trials and sorrows ..." (John 16:33)
And, just because you feel ready to take them head on doesn't mean you'll actually be able to do that. 

I thought I was prepared spiritually and mentally for anything.
Well, I wasn't. In my mind, I had all the knowledge of what I needed to do, needed to feel, needed to believe, and needed to pray for. But, all of that didn't stop the doubt and questions that arose and I am still pretty disappointed in how I have fallen completely apart many times.

I thought I was stronger.
Turns out, I'm not.

I've come to expect bad things to happen more than good. That, my friend, is wrong theology. It's just where I am in my life and what I've experienced lately.

With that in mind, I wasn't surprised when, on my third day of work at my new job, La Petite Belle became sick and had to go back into the hospital. At that very moment, I questioned EVERYTHING, like I always do. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the job. Maybe I shouldn't be working at all and just trust God for His provision. This is all my fault (which is a whole other thought, for another post, at another time).

As I sit here typing on Sunday morning, from the 10th floor of Texas Children's Hospital, I am practicing being thankful. 

La Petite Belle and I had a long conversation last night about focusing on what we're to be thankful for, instead of how much we want this situation over and done with, instead of focusing on how much we miss our old lives, our friends, our families. We thanked God for all the people we love and who have stood by us through this time. We talked about each of them and how much they mean to us. La Petite Belle shed plenty of tears, thinking about all the people she misses, and thinking about a couple of really good friends and families who are very dear to her heart.

La Petite Belle was admitted on Wednesday because of fever again. Results came back as pneumonia. The cause of the pneumonia isn't known, but they treat it all the same. She's on lots of antibiotics, and just finished her last dose of the mac-daddy of antibiotics on Friday for MRSA.

She's felt pretty miserable since Wednesday, but today seems to be improving somewhat. Her throat and chest were hurting her a lot. Now, it seems that her throat is on the mend, but her chest still hurts some. She's now coughing more, which is supposed to be a good thing, but it's causing her to gag and vomit. She's not eating and hasn't since Wednesday so she's back on TPN for now.

Our BMT docs are meeting with ID (Infectious Disease) and Pulmonology docs tomorrow to discuss the pneumonia and make sure everyone is on board with her treatment and that no other procedures will need to be done. Seeing as she seems to be getting better, our BMT docs think the meds she's on now are working and that nothing else will need to be added or done. We'll see what comes about tomorrow.

It has been extremely difficult and heart-wrenching to be away from La Petite Belle during the day when I'm working ... way more difficult than I even could've imagined. I know that she's in good hands with her daddy, but not knowing what's going on moment by moment is hard on a mama.

No matter how hard this is, I have to do it. 
Beau and I each have to do what we have to do right now.
La Petite Belle has to do what she has to do right now.
That's how we do this. We just do it.
That's what anyone has to do when times are tough.
You do what you have to do to make it ... no matter how hard.

We can cry about it as much as we want, but it won't change what we have to do.

I already warned one of my new co-workers that I may cry at any given point throughout the day and that she shouldn't be alarmed or worried. It's just the way it is. I'll get through it.

I don't know when we'll all get through this and it'll be over, but I do know this ...

At the end of that same verse I quoted before, I see hope.
"Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. BUT, take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Jesus overcame, which means we will overcome.
And, yes ... one day it will be "over."

Thank you for continuing to pray and support us through this. You have no idea how grateful we are for you. When you are praying, please pray that this pneumonia is completely gone and La Petite Belle gains her appetite and strength back again. Pray for wisdom for the doctors to know exactly what meds to give her and not give her. And, lastly please continue to pray for complete healing in her kidneys. We know God still performs miracles. He already has.

If you would like to financially support Katie's (aka La Petite Belle) journey to healing, 
All gifts are tax deductible. All funds go to cover medical bills and expenses.
We are extremely grateful for your help, support, and prayers!

1 Comment:

Chipparoo said...

Bathing Katie in complete prayer and with the Love of the Holy Spirit.
Our love for each other and for Christ unite us like no other.