Friday, August 26, 2016

"Don't Lose Yourself."

That was what one of the nurse managers told Beau and I a couple of days ago.

"Don't lose yourself."

That statement stuck with me.
But, there's no way not to lose ourselves in our current circumstance.

When you have a child who is battling sickness and fighting for her life, there's nothing else that matters.

Your identity gets put on the back burner. 

Your only identity is found in being a mom or a dad. You identity is found in being a protector and advocate for your child. You simply become "Mom" and "Dad." In fact, that's the name that you are referred to by everyone in the hospital. The staff doesn't call you by your name ... only "Mom" or "Dad." That is our identity.

You do lose yourself.
You don't even remember who you were, much less know who you are anymore.
You don't remember what dreams you had.
You don't remember even what future you had hoped for.
You don't know who you are or care about that.
You only care about being that mom or dad your child needs.

One of the hardest parts of this year has been finding time for Beau and I to spend together outside of the hospital. We have had some moments thanks to family and friends who have offered help, but I can totally see how times like this can put a great deal of stress on marriages. Not only do we need to be strong for La Petite Belle individually, but, also as her parents, we need to continue to strengthen and nurture our marriage. How does that happen in our current situation? It's hard. It's not easy to get away from the hospital, especially both of us at the same time.

We do make it happen from time to time, but mostly when we're away from the hospital, we're each alone. Despite the fact that I may have sat at the hospital with Beau all day, I still send him texts when I'm away that say, "I miss you." I do. Sitting alone at an empty apartment just makes you miss your family even more. But, we know we each need breaks from the hospital, even if it's just to sleep.

Let me tell y'all something that I've discovered about myself ... I need sleep. And, if I don't get the sleep I need, I turn into someone I don't recognize ... a mean bean for real. Seriously. No joke. Something that may not have bothered me the day before when I had gotten a good night's sleep, will cause a conniption fit in me on the day after a night of sleep at the hospital. So, there's that ... not a good quality when most of your nights are sleepless nights.

My identity has become pretty simple:
I am child of God.
I am a wife.
I am a mom.

That's literally it.
There are no other titles I hold anymore.
Those are the only titles I have to work on every day and the only ones that matter.
There was a time when I did have goals and dreams for myself, but those have faded away.
There were times when I agonized about God's calling on my life and whether I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, doing the right thing. Now, there is no doubt.
This is my calling. This is my life.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know what the future holds for my family
I only know Who holds the future and I trust Him.

Every day, I am learning to embrace the ministry that God has put in front of me. I am trying desperately to be content in a circumstance I would wish on no one.

When I lose myself, I just have to remember that God knows who I am. He knows EXACTLY who I am, actually better than I do. My identity is only found in who I am through my relationship with Him.

Here's an update on our sweet girl ...

La Petite Belle has spent the last week on the 7th floor. Her main struggle right now is pain and getting that under control due to this new wound and more downtime in the bed. Although she has pain, she's still working as hard as she can with physical therapy and occupational therapy. She actually says she likes working with them and wishes it wouldn't be painful so she could work harder.

Our girl hasn't had any "big bleeds," as they call it here, and she went five days without needing a red blood cell transfusion. That's great news!

But, the best news of the week is that she hasn't needed dialysis since last Saturday. She is producing much more urine and her kidney levels have been holding at a better range. While her levels aren't normal right now, they're a lot better than they were. We still have to be cautious about her fluid intake and follow this renal diet when she does eat. The doctors are monitoring her every day to determine if she will need dialysis for that day. So far, so good. We are hopeful and praying that these kidneys make a full recovery and the dialysis catheter can be taken out.

We thank God for His guidance and healing. We thank God for the strength He gives us through this. We thank God for simply being a good Father to us, His children.

Thank you for continuing to stand and pray with us for a full recovery for La Petite Belle.
We appreciate each and every one of you so much!
If you would like to financially support Katie's (aka La Petite Belle) journey to healing, you can find more information here:  All funds go to cover medical bills and expenses.

1 Comment:

Anonymous said...

All 3 of you are amazing!��