I've been praying a lot for La Petite Belle. Every day, my prayers seem to be the same. I continue to seek, to ask, and to knock on that door. I will not stop. I will knock on that door to the point of annoyance. At some point, the door has to get opened for the knocking to stop. I know that if someone were knocking on my door for over a year, I wouldn't be able to stand the sound anymore.
But, of course, I'm not God and I don't understand His ways most of the time. His ways are bigger than my pea brain can comprehend. I go round and round in my own brain about the "whys" even though I know there are no answers. I go round and round about the "whats" and "hows" and "whens" too, not knowing those answers either.
There are honestly days when I feel that God is silent to my prayers. I know He isn't. I know He hears. But, our circumstances, at times, seem hopeless and just plain sad. The ups and downs are exhausting. There are days I don't know what to think. I try not to let my mind take over too much and to simply take all thoughts captive. That's pretty hard when you're sitting in an ICU hospital room all day, all night ... when you continue to see your child suffering. You question where the "good" is in all of it. And, you know God would NEVER plan this for a child and He could step it at any moment. But, still you wait, knock, and hope.
Beau and I talk often about what we've each been praying and about thoughts on our life situation and La Petite Belle's healing.
I told him yesterday that I wish there was some perfect formula to my prayers that would cause La Petite Belle to be healed and outta here ... that maybe I'm doing it all wrong ... maybe my prayers aren't right ... maybe I'm not holy enough ... maybe if I were better at fasting ... maybe I don't rebuke the enemy well enough ... maybe I'm not as close to God as I thought I was ... maybe, maybe, maybe.
I realize there isn't some perfect formula.
But, these days, these are the kinda thoughts I have.
If La Petite Belle's healing hung on how good I was or how perfect my prayers were, she'd be in sad shape.
If anyone's healing was dependent on us, we'd all be in sad shape.
There's NOTHING more that I can do than what I'm already doing. That's hard for me to come to grips with. As a mom, I want to just fix it for her. Every day I have new ideas and questions to ask the doctors. La Petite Belle has told me to stop making suggestions. I just can't help it. The ability to solve problems is what moms do best.
When I look in the Bible, EVERY time people went to Jesus for healing, He did only one thing:
Every. Single. Time.
He was ALWAYS willing and never turned anyone away.
And, there was no perfect formula.
In fact, the only things I see each person doing are:
Asking Jesus to heal.
Believing that He would.
A lot of the people He healed weren't church-goers (synagogue in those days) either.
Some were even those dastardly Samaritans.
Some were what most would consider unholy and not good enough.
They didn't pray at all, much less fast.
And, what did Jesus do? He healed them.
He told them their "faith" made them well. They believed He could heal.
Basically, we're in the same boat.
WE ALL (especially La Petite Belle) believe Jesus heals.
La Petite Belle's faith has remained strong through all of this. If you ask her today, as she lies in a bed in the ICU, whether she believes God is healing her, she will absolutely tell you "yes."
This hangs on La Petite Belle's ICU room wall.
It's a reminder that the faith we've had all along is the same faith that believes Jesus always heals.
There is NO perfect prayer formula or anything I can do for my daughter's healing than to simply follow the example of all of those healed by Jesus ... Ask and believe.
Seems simple. And, these are the things we do every day.
We do grow weary, of course. This has been a long road and we've been through the gamut of emotions. But, ultimately, I know that I don't see everything, and God does. So, I'm trusting despite what my eyes see. That's actually the definition of faith. Is it easy? Seems like it should be.
But, in circumstances like this, it is definitely difficult at times. I've cried deep cries and had some emotional talks with the Lord about all this.
I always come back to the same conclusion: God is good and He is a healer.
I may not ... actually I should say I DON'T ... understand His ways, but I have to trust Him anyway.
As far as an update on La Petite Belle goes ...
She's pretty much the same as my last blog post. The only thing different that has occurred is that they think she might have a bacterial infection. She had very low blood pressure and extreme shaking yesterday. She was also in more pain. Blood was drawn for cultures and now we're just waiting for them to come back. They did start her on a couple of new doses of stronger antibiotics, just in case. Of course, these can be harmful for the kidneys, so they're watching the levels carefully.
Continue to pray for these kidneys to wake up. Again, this is what is holding us down here in ICU, and causing her to become more weak due to her being in the bed for so long. I want to just SCREAM at these kidneys to stinkin' WAKE UP! And, I may have scolded them "in Jesus' name", of course. But, something's gotta give here. Enough is enough. I know that the enemy is loving this and that just makes me even more angry.
Thank you for all your love, prayers, and support. We are thankful for each of you, who, whether you know it or not, play a part in helping us through this.
If you would like to financially support Katie's (aka La Petite Belle) journey to healing, you can find more information here: www.gofundme.com/Katieg. All funds go to cover medical bills and expenses.