As I look back on 2015, I am amazed at all that has happened. I'm bombarded with images of how our lives used to be before that diagnosis in April, before our lives changed so drastically.
So much has changed. So much is different.
We've changed. We're different.
This morning, I asked myself the question in the title of this post:
"Do you want to go back to where you were before?"
It's a longing I often have every day ... to go back, to return to our old life.
Of course, I would want to go back to a life where my daughter was healthy. That's a no-brainer.
However, that isn't an option.
But, honestly, I don't think I want to go back to who I was before. I mean ... I am still mostly the same, but I have become a better, messed-up version of myself.
Through this year, I have learned more about my weaknesses. I have learned that I am weak, weaker than I ever thought. And, I'm embracing my weakness, so that I can make room for Jesus to come in and prove His strength.
The weaker I am, the stronger He is.
He's the only way I have made it this far without completely losing my mind, although Beau may think I was there a few times.
Jesus gives me stability. He is my anchor when the storms of life are literally trying to drown me. And, believe me, there have been many times this year, where I was drowning and He picked me up.
Just remembering those specific moments, makes my heart sink and brings tears to my eyes. He carried me. And, He still does. Because my emotions, y'all ... my brain ... my thinking ... all these things, they're ALL OVER THE PLACE. But, He reminds me that He's STILL God and He's STILL got this, no matter how fast or slow the journey is.
So, I do not want to go back to who I was ... always busy, always hurrying, always striving, not thankful, looking past people instead of truly looking at them, never resting, not fully trusting, and not truly appreciating EVERY SINGLE moment.
I like who I am more now. I like who our family is more now.
We all love a little harder than we did before.
So, as I finish this last post of 2015, the year that rocked our world, I am amazed at the journey and grateful to God for it. For those of you who don't understand that, let me explain ... I am NOT grateful for sickness or the hard stuff we've had to endure, but grateful to a God who knew it was going to happen, prepared us, walked with us, and carried us. God does not cause sickness. God does not cause hardship. God does not cause pain. But, instead He provides hope and healing when they come.
As I close out this year, I am thankful.
I am grateful for God's grace so easily displayed throughout 2015 in our lives.
As we head into 2016, I will remain thankful in whatever comes, whatever circumstance. He is faithful no matter what.
Happy New Year, my friends!
Thanks for joining us on this journey!
God isn't finished with any of us yet and I can only look forward to 2016 with expectation and hope.
If you would like to financially support Katie's (aka La Petite Belle) journey to healing, you can find more information here: www.gofundme.com/Katieg. All funds go to cover medical bills and expenses.