Thursday, July 23, 2015

Ready or not ... (and yet another post about crying that I never intended on writing)

Here we go!

Today was our last appointment for transfusions in our hometown. We leave for Houston Sunday.

Here are La Petite Belle's awesome nurses who we'll miss as we get cozy with new nurses, new doctors, and a new environment. 

I have waited for what seems like forever for the day we leave for the long haul. It couldn't come fast enough.

And, now I don't feel ready.

My week here at home has flown by! I've been getting settled in our new house. My parents have left and we'll be in their home for three years. I've mainly been stuffing all the awkward pictures of me in drawers. I mean there are Glamour shots still up from my early years and there's all those horrible eighties ginormous-glasses pictures too. My mom forbid me to take them down. Good thing she's not here.

So, we've been trying to get settled and get all our ducks in a row in this short time that we are back before we have to leave again. 

Our original plan was to leave Sunday and come back for a couple of more days, but our plans have changed. La Petite Belle has another bone marrow biopsy on Monday afternoon, so she and I will go ahead and stay through the week until her appointment again on Friday. The doctors at Texas Children's Hospital actually request that you stay in town the week before admittance so that you are close-by if other appointments need to happen at the last minute. And, because she is now off her Neupogen shots, her ANC is low again, meaning her risk of infection or catching any type of little bug is great. We think it's best she stay pretty isolated next week in the apartment with me to keep her safe and ready for transplant. We don't want anything to postpone this.

The one reason I was coming home for those few days was because it was K Belle's 18th birthday on Wednesday. Eh? Where did the time go? I'm going to have a little adult on my hands.

She is pretty lackadaisical about the whole thing. Her birthday already consists of a dentist appointment and leading worship that evening. When I nag her about doing something special to celebrate her, she just says she doesn't really want to do anything. I honestly think she's just trying to not be what she sees as a burden or simply another thing we have to do or worry about. She doesn't understand that we, as her parents, want to celebrate her and be with her. She'll get it one day. Right now, we're respecting her wishes and going to have a simple birthday lunch before we leave on Sunday.

I cry when I talk to her about not being here for her birthday. She doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. It's one of the things I do ... I make big deals out of birthdays. Always have, always will. So, this is hard for this mom.

The last few days I have been sad. Like crying sad. Like nursing- a- broken- heart sad.

I thought I was done with all that, but it does come and go like waves.

I cried on the way to the grocery store yesterday. And, as I cried, I told the Lord that I was just sad. That's all. Sad.

I told Him that I wasn't crying or sad because I didn't trust Him because I did and still do. I wasn't crying because I thought He wasn't with us because I know He is. I wasn't crying because I thought He wasn't going to heal our girl because I know He will. His Word says He already has.

I was crying simply because I was sad. Sad to leave my home, my family, my friends and sad to even have to walk this path.

As I told Beau just this morning when he asked me why I was crying again, I'm just sad. It's just my emotions. And, it's crazy how alone you can feel even when you're surrounded by loving people. I never knew what that felt like until now. There really is no one who can understand what you're going through in your own walk and circumstances. That goes for everyone. Even within my own little family, each of us can only somewhat relate to what the other person is feeling and experiencing.

When our hearts are sensitive and we go through trials, our emotions actually provide a release and a closeness with God that can't really be explained. I told a friend that it was like a peace in the middle of chaos. There's still a peace. But, there's also our own humanity we have to deal with.

I kid you not ... After a good cry, you always feel better. It is definitely a way to release stress and just helps you breathe in the peace of God. Crying is part of our makeup for a reason. God wouldn't have put it in us if it wasn't meant to be used. I'm just getting a lot of use out of these tears and they are definitely bringing me closer to Him.

Sometimes, our tears speak for themselves. We don't have to say a word, especially when we don't know even what to say. God knows. He sees our tears and hears our cries.

As I spend the next few days packing and preparing, it will be emotional for all of us. I will miss K Belle. I will miss Beau when he's not there. He's kinda like my secondary rock. I've got Jesus and I've got my husband. Beau is a physical manifestation of Jesus' presence and protection in my life and in the lives of our girls. Don't get me wrong ... he doesn't always look like Jesus. Not even close. But, neither do I. So, having him not there to lean on all the time is gonna be hard. I know he'll be doing his best to be with us as much as possible, but life and work must go on.

Funny because I feel like my life has stopped while everyone else's lives are just going by at warp speed. It's surreal. Time seems to literally be standing still. I want to tell everyone, "wait .. hold up ... wait for us." Again, life goes on.

So, I'm sad and thrilled at the same time that we are finally leaving. La Petite Belle is beyond ready.

It's awesome to see how the Church has risen up and simply been the Church in our lives through this journey. It's amazing witnessing others be the hands and feet of Jesus. We are beyond grateful for everything. Saying "thank you" is not enough. I will continue to post updates through my blog and Facebook page. Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers and support!

If you would like to financially support Katie's (aka La Petite Belle) journey to healing, you can find more information here: All money goes toward medical bills and expenses.