Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Day By Day

Today's the day La Petite Belle will be getting her PICC (peripherally inserted central catheter) line in. Her veins are done. They're just collapsing now. This line will allow her not have to go through multiple attempts at getting needles in every week. This line can stay in her for up to 6 months and they can easily give her blood or medicine.

After the PICC line gets put in, she will receive two units of platelets. Her platelet count is very low right now. Red and white blood counts are still low, but a tad higher than they were on Friday. I give credit to Jesus and beets for that. Yes, I've been trying to build her blood any natural way I can ... a good blood-building vitamin with lots of B vitamins in it, trying to get any beets in her that I can (not much success here, but it's coming), and dark, leafy greens.

When the nurse called me about the PICC line and explained what it was, I quickly tried to get off the phone, telling her I'd have to discuss it with my husband. But, I really needed to get off the phone because I was starting to cry.

The words "more permanent" and the explanation of how the line will end near her heart made me lose my breath. I couldn't breathe. My own heart ached and tears filled my eyes.

No, I do not want anything like this even close to permanent for my child. I was angry.

I cried. Alone in my bedroom, I cried. In fact, I want to cry just typing the words "I cried" because I can still feel the ache of that moment.

I do not want this for my child at all.

I could deal with this a lot better if it were me and not her.

I prayed like I do every time I start to lose it.

I prayed again that God would heal her of this. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that God would renew my mind so that I can always trust and never doubt. I prayed that God would do what He's promised in His Word. I reminded myself that God is a good Father ... the BEST! What good Father doesn't want the best for His child? A good Father who loves my child even more than I do definitely wants the best for my child, His daughter.

These are the prayers I pray throughout the day because I have to. It's the only way I can make it through the day.

I have immersed myself in worship music. It really does change the atmosphere wherever you are and helps with whatever you are going through. I don't only need my atmosphere changed, I need my mind changed and my circumstance changed.

So, today as we go to the doctor's office for this extended period, I will sit next to my baby girl and pray. And, sometimes my prayers consist of only "Jesus, I need you." Because that's literally all I can say.

And, for the rest of the week, I will take each day as it comes. I can't look ahead. I just can't.

I can't make plans. I can't schedule anything. I don't know what we'll be doing next week or even what the end of this week will hold. I just don't know.

All I do know is that my number one priority right now is getting my baby well. That's it.

There are other things on my mind ... K Belle's graduation, her graduation party, putting my house on the market by next week, making sure my house is totally ready to be put on the market next week, getting my house sold quickly, my newest position at work, the things I need to do at work in this new position, and then there's the whole moving once our house does get sold ... the list goes on.

But, it's hard to think about these things when that one thing consumes my mind.

And, then ... I pray.

And, pray again.

Jesus, help me.

1 Comment:

sara said...

spent time praying for you and your sweet girl this morning that all would go smoothly today.

So do not fear, for I am with you. do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10