(When I asked Beau if this post made any sense at all, He said, "uhhhhhh ... I guess, " which means, "woman, you have not one comprehensible thought." So ... take from it what you can.)
I know what you're thinking ... "what does that even mean?"
It's something that popped in my head yesterday. Not sure if it was me or the voice of God.
The problem which lies within me is the fact that I'm NOT OK with being OK. I'm just not. I want to be. Dear Lord ... I want to be.
But, God has put something inside me that is not OK with just being ordinary.
Now, before you start thinking I think I'm all that ... hold up ... I don't.
Just because I'm not OK with being ordinary doesn't mean I'm not ordinary.
I really am ordinary.
But, the problem I have an overwhelming drive inside me that is never OK with any of it.
The drive is the thing that can kill a person. I need that drive to die sometimes.
God tells me constantly:
Mama Belle ... you don't have to do anything for me to love you any more than I do.
I love you whether or not you do anything in ministry or not.
What you do does not affect my love for you.
But, of course, God also doesn't want me to sit on my keester doing nothing for Him. He wants me to be love. He wants me to live a life pleasing to Him. He wants me to use whatever gifts He's given me for His glory.
I'm trying desperately to be OK with just being OK ... meaning I don't have to do and be EVERYTHING. And, God's going to love me no matter what.
God is teaching me to just accept His love.
A good friend said this to me years ago, and I see it ringing so true in my life, and I don't know how to not be this. She said, "Mama Belle, you are 100% all the time. Whatever you do, it's at 100%, whether it's a small or large thing."
But, this can be torture.
Because if I can't give 100%, I'm in turmoil.
God is showing me that He wants me to put that 100% into knowing and loving Him more than in doing anything for Him.
That's hard for a person who's love language is acts of service, if you know what that means.
God's showing me to be OK with just being me.
Take away all my talents and abilities, and I feel useless. But, God says He wants my heart and my all more than He wants these things.
I don't even know if this post makes any sense at all, but I wanted to jot down these thoughts on this journey God's taking me on. I'm thankful for the journey, no matter how difficult it may seem. And, I hope my journey through the years helps someone else realize they're OK too. It's ridiculous how alike we all are.
I'll be putting my drive aside for now.
I guess that means less posts for you. Oh wait ... that's already been going on.