Thursday, August 15, 2013

I've never been anyone's first choice.


This exact thought popped into my head this morning.

Talk about PI.TY. PAR.TY.
Yeah, I had a little one.

This thought flooded my mind and actually brought out some real raw emotion I didn't even know I had. Way to start the day on a high note, Mama Belle.

I had no idea I had some leftover, immature insecurity in there. I'm over 40, people. Ain't nobody my age got time to be messin' with that!

But, unfortunately, insecurity can linger at any age. Even when we thought we were over it.

Typically, I'm pretty secure (knock on wood) ... but there are those moments where I just wanna stab somebody in the eye when they say or do something that makes me question myself (or even someone else question themselves because I'm sensitive to stuff like that). I know! I know! I shouldn't want to stab someone in the eye ... it's not the Christian thing to do ... and "nobody can make you feel insecure" .. "only you can make yourself feel insecure" ... yeah, yeah ... yada, yada, yada.

But, let's get real: Some people naturally bring out your insecurities. You know it. And, so do I! I know it too well unfortunately. That's when you just try to avoid those people. At least, that's what I do.

I digress. 

Back to my lightbulb moment ...

Here's how crazy my mind works: (I'm sure there's someone who can sympathize with my patheticness ... not a word, but best describes this state) 
I literally tried to pinpoint moments and events in my life where I was someone's first choice.

I thought of nothing. Not even in the areas of the things that I was good at. I got nothin'.

I thought ... "SURELY ... there's gotta be SOMEONE who's picked me first!"

Even my own husband was engaged before. Geez. (Sidenote ... so was I, but that's neither here nor there. We're talking about my insecurities, not his.)

As my brain was racing, to try and think of just ONE thing, ONE area, ONE moment when someone chose ME first, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to my soul ... "You're my first choice."

That's when my heart became full and I cried.

I was overwhelmed by the love of God.

Simply. Overwhelmed.

That's what should be important to me. That's what really matters. Who cares if someone else picks me first? Ultimately, their opinion doesn't matter. Only His does. And, He chooses me every time.

I am His first choice. Everything else is secondary. Everything. Even others' opinions or non-opinions of me. Even my concern about others' opinions of non-opinions of me.

Why? Because I know who I am. And, I know whose I am.

I've heard it said many times: "Keep the one thing, the one thing."

Jesus is my one thing. Living for Him is my one thing. In that one thing, everything else falls into place.

Thank you, Jesus, for loving me first.

What's even totally incomprehensible is that not only am I His first choice, so are you. CRAZY. And, AWESOME.


Debbie said...

Thanks for the reminder! We are God's first choice and it's important for us to understand who we are in HIS eyes.. As a single gal, this is something I'm continually learning and need to hold on too--That I'm precious in HIS site.. I'm a child of the KING.. I can go on and on but like you I may need to remind myself of this later on. God bless you and your honesty in your post, Deb

Tricia @ The Domestic Fringe said...

Ok, I guess this is confession time. My pity party sounds like, I'm never, ever the one people listen to. I can say it a hundred times and in a hundred dynamic ways, but no-one cares. Then someone offhandedly mentions the very same thing and everyone takes notice. Why? Just why? It's like that in real life, in blogging, in everything. I never seem to say or do things that count...well, that's what my mind says when it's in full-on pity mode.

So, thank you for this post. I'll have to reread every time I fall back into my stinkin' thinkin'.