Tuesday, May 10, 2011

It's starting to hit me.

I am about to reach a certain age.

I'm OK with the number itself, but am feeling not OK with some of the things that come with the number.

The number is really just a number to me. No biggie. I still feel good. I still feel young. I ain't scared of the number.

But, yesterday I had a strange experience thanks to one of those things I hate about the number.

I had to have an ultrasound (no worries ... everything's great!) ... the same type of ultrasound you have when there's a baby in your belly. I had mixed emotions. At that very moment that the technician was moving the instrument around my belly area, I got nostalgic. I remembered the moments I saw my precious little babies there. The reality that there would never be another baby in there definitely made me sad. That's it. Not that I ever thought Beau and I would have another one, but it just wasn't so real to me until that moment.

When you're a mother in your early thirties tied down with two or more kids, you think you're definitely finished. That you would never be able to handle anymore kids. That you're happy with what you have.

And, really I am. But, there is still that sadness. (Because, really I could have handled and slightly wanted one more. Shhh ... don't tell Beau.)

I'll be OK. I'm just getting accustomed to these small adjustments that come along with that number I previously mentioned.

And, reflecting on this.

And this. 


4 Comments:

Dionna said...

I'm approaching that "number" in July, as well. Being one never to feel shy about my age - this one has definitely got me reflective as well as pondering my future. And stretching more often.

Julie said...

Beautiful post.

Life definitely throws us curves when we least expect them.

My oldest is graduating high school next week and then will be starting college . . . my youngest will be starting kindergarten in the fall.

Believe me . . . my heart isn't ready for the changes.

Jodie | Velour said...

It has been the hardest thing in the world for me to "KNOW" that I'm done. Oh, I FEEL done! I feel up to my ears in DONE. But am I really? I fear regret. I also fear nervous breakdowns and mental hospitals, which is why I don't do anything about increasing our number.... but I also fear regret, which keeps me on the crazy cycle.

"I'm DONE.
Am I though?
Oh yes I am! Dee oh in ee done! Y'all want me sane, right?
Ugh.... but I feel like maybe I'm not.... is there grace for that? For another one? For more chaos and mess and mistakes and errors..."

...it never ends! I wish I could just know... and then be ok with whatever the answer is.

Soliloquy said...

YOU JUST TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT FOR A MINUTE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE PG!!

I just turned 40 last week. The anticipation is way worse than the actuality.

Ummmm, I'm blogging again. Come back to me? And maybe help me spread the word? Starting from square one again.