Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I'm going through something here.


It's the best sentence that describes my life right now.

It's also the best excuse I have for acting any way other than my original way.

And, boy, it's a doozie.

I blame these statements:
"If our pursuit has moved from reasonable attention to a veritable obsession, we'd better search our souls for what's driving us."

"You and I are going to have to come to a place where we stop handing people the kind of power only God should wield over us."

"Our challenge is to let the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of us increasingly overtake our earthen vessels until it drives our every emotion, reaction, and relationship." (all Beth Moore)

I'm having to take a good, hard look at myself. And, I'm not really liking what I see.

My poor Beau.

I usually don't bother him with the crazy things that go on in my head.

But, he begged.

I answered and I'm sure he wished he hadn't asked.

I warned him.

As much as he tries, he just can't understand. And, that's understandable to me because, honestly, I am also baffled by my own mind.

Truly taking a look at yourself and the motives of your heart is not fun at all.

It's quite painful.

Let's just say I have an ugly heart, which is to be expected, since the Bible says that man's heart is wicked above all things.

All. Things.

There's nothing worse than a person's heart.

Just when you think you're doing alright and you're not that bad of a person, that wicked heart rears its ugly head.

Jeremiah 17:9
9-10"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.

I treat them as they really are,
not as they pretend to be."

Wow! That last line got me.

Yeah, I don't like what I see. I want to change.

The problem is that I remain the same.

I keep facing the same issues. The same issues in the same areas of my life. You'd think I'd have learned a thing or two by now.

I mean ... I'm pushing a certain age here, people, and I should be way more in tune to who God is and who I am. I've been a Christian for 18 years and there are still dumb issues that I struggle with that I shouldn't because of my confidence in God.

It actually makes me angry. Irritated. Frustrated. And, then makes me feel more like a failure because I am not moving toward a new place.

It's time to move on here.

Just move on, Mama Belle.


Rachelle said...

This is the hard place where change begins. May the Holy Spirit continue to call us out of the flesh and in to the new.

Autumn said...

Thanks for the reminder/sermon/knock on the head today. I needed it!
Move on, Autumn.

Dawn M said...

Mama, oh my ... you just put into words EXACTLY what I've been going through the past month or so. Maybe it's the lazy days of summer, the disconnect because the small group is on break, a dry season...yeah, i come up with lots of reasons, when i know all it boils down to is exactly what it says in the heart is ugly and deceitful and those excuses are just part of the plan to keep me deceived. YET, even knowing all that...I still go around the same mountain today that I pretended to blow to smithereens yesterday! I know how you feel and I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this, thanks for sharing your heart.

thedomesticfringe said...

Those are powerful statements. Are you reading one of Beth Moore's books or doing a Bible study? I totally understand how you feel. I get really mad at myself when I go round and round with one of my own issues. Praying you get the victory!

{Jodie} said...

I love thinking about God's timing... only because it has a way of settling me when I want to BOLT! I pulled out my favorite chapter (from The Green Letters) on it and wanted to share some of the goodness of it with you. Be prepared though - this comment will be LONG. ;)

"It seems that most believers has difficulty in realizing and facing up to the inexorable fact that God does not hurry in His development of our Christian life..... God himself will modify the pace."

One of my favorite promises in Scripture is that Jesus will take us by the hand, and lead us into all the truth there is. And being that he IS the truth, he knows exactly where to lead us. :) If he's pressing on it, press in... dig deeper. But don't punish yourself for what you see. :) He isn't. :)

Everything happens in God's timing. Everything. Frustrating as that may be, you're exactly where you're supposed to be, right smack in the middle of his will for you, because he is sovereign. It's a lie to say that you "should be" in a different place "by now". God himself will modify the pace.

But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land. Exodus 23:29-30

All of that is my long-winded way of saying, go easy on yourself about the pace of things. God does things when God sees fit. You're where you're supposed to be, looking at these things at exactly the right time. So press into in, but rest, too. :)

Thanks for sharing this with us. I think we all appreciate your bravery. I love you!!

phoebe said...

I am so proud to call you a sister in Christ! I to have felt just as you do, but I think more, just because my walk is only 2+yrs in comparison to your 18. This is what the Holy Spirit revealed to me a while ago and when I read your blog.

God will change everything about us in his time. We will become that new creature, but we have to be patient..yah yah I know you heard it and you have said it, but it is ture and honest. Think of is this way...He prioritizes his work. He has changed all the things you do for others, he has changed all the ways you think of others, what is left to change is the personal and the things that are deepest to you. Those things can be worked on more slowly cause they are not stopping you from serving him and sharing the good news. Our first priority as Christ followers is to share. Our last priority is it stands to reason that the inner self stuff changes last. I think you are an amazing example of strength, grace, wisdom, truth, honesty, friendships, relationships, and worship....whatever you have left is between you and God...let him paint his canvas the way he wants when he is ready! You are turly amazing and I grow as a person, mom, and Chirstian everytime I ready your words or share with you! Thanks from my wicked heart!