Monday, June 29, 2009

I'm disgusted.

Strange how my mental state can change from one minute to the next.

One minute, I feel totally fine about me. In the next minute, I am totally disgusted with myself.

I hate it.

I am my own worst enemy.

I hate so many things about myself. 

And, the world we live in doesn't help. Women, we are bombarded by images and ideals that we can never live up to.

I can spend a whole day in torment ... my mind speaking things like, "you are so fat," "you're disgusting," "your friends don't really like you," "you will never be pretty enough," "you will never be good enough," "there are so many people better than you at so many things," ... the list goes on.

This is common. If you've spent any time here, you know that. Don't worry. I'm used to it.

But, I still hate it. I don't want to have these thoughts.

Last week, as I was praying, I cried.

I cried because of how I break the heart of my Lord, my God, every single time I do this.

Every single complaint I have about myself ... His creation, His daughter, His treasure ... breaks the heart of my Father.

I felt the pain that He must feel, when He spoke ... "How would you feel if your daughters felt this way about themselves? How would you feel if your daughters said such horrible things about themselves?"

Answer ... it would kill me.

What would I say to them? I would say, "How dare you say that about yourself? You are beautiful, created by God, designed for His purpose." I would want to hold them and love on them and make them understand the extent of their worth.

I'm trying, Lord. I really am. Just when I think, I've got it down, those thoughts rear their ugly, little heads.

Thank you, God, that You love every inch of me.

And, I pray that my daughters will know who they are in Christ and will never doubt their worth, identity, or calling. May they be strong, confident women of God, never wavering in their faith and in the Truth.

(Disclaimer: These are my thoughts. This is my therapy. Don't you dare say something about how beautiful I am. That's not what this is about. It's just something I'm always working through and I hope it helps to know you're not alone.)


Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

I've been there so many times... and I know the guilt too. Because we should just KNOW our position in Christ and focus on the beauty and love there.

Living in this world is rough in ones focus.

Last night we were watching tv - some silly show - and one scene had these four "perfect" women in it (although I do know there is really no such thing...).

They were skinny with perfect figures - clothes that brought attention to all the right curves, I got up and left the room. I knew the thought process I would go down and just didn't want to do that to myself.

It's so hard - and I am glad to know I am not alone. So glad to know too that God knows our fears and insecurities. He cares and is there to refocus our attention.

Thanks for your honesty!

The Fritz Facts said...

Not alone, never. I deal with these thoughts constantly myself. I find prayer and love are the only things that somedays get me through the day.


Julie said...

Beth Moore has just started a new Bible Study that would life your spirits. Go check it out!

Hugs Dear Friend.

sara said...

thanks for this post. My prayer for me is that I don't lay these thoughts (my thoughts) on my daughter.

"Rachel" said...

I'm in that corner with you.

Isn't it great how He uses our little girls to teach us about how we are to Him?

H-Mama said...

I appreciate your honesty. I think we all have those days. If only we could view ourselves (and others) through the eyes of our Father at all times...

Mike, Brie and The Three said...

Since you don't want to hear about how beautiful you are, here is a poop story. I know I am a week late but poop is an everyday thing. This was posted by a friend on Facebook. Enjoy!

"So I'm in Sam's room changing a diaper, Lil B comes in. "Momma, poo poo... gwound (ground)." "Ok, you went poo poo - let's wipe you off, you're supposed to go on the potty." I wiped him and went to the living room but there was no poo. Lil B says "Momma, ooowed (where'd) poo poo go?" Hmm.. I look to my left and see Isabelle the Boston Terrier licking her lips. NASTY - needless to say, she will be outside today."

Amy said...

You are definitely not alone in your insecurities...thanks for such an honest post! It's a constant battle, isn't it?

Sherry said...

I think all women are guilty of the very same thing.

HOWEVER, this is exactly the subject of the summer Bible study that the Living Proof Siestas are doing. It's "Me, Myself and Lies" by Jennifer Rothchild. If you aren't doing it, I highly recommend it.

Jennifer will be teaching us to learn to call ourselves by the labels that God has for us and to learn how to change our thinking. Satan wants to defeat us via our thoughts and self-talk.

Love your honesty!

RachelQ said...

I understand how you feel...

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Coming to you from Sevierville to say that when I saw your profile pic, I did indeed think, "She is so pretty." Then I open up this post and read your thoughts at that moment in time when you felt the opposite. It is truly hard to read, but I do get it. Some days I am fine with myself, and others, I think similar thoughts. And age is not helping. But I'm truly trying to focus on the truth as God sees it and says it. You are not alone, though.

thedomesticfringe said...

I would hate to hear my daughter saying negative stuff about herself, but I say it about myself all the time. You've given me something to think about. Thanks.