Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Criteria for my new gynecologist

Men, you might want to skip this one.

Unfortunately, I was informed a couple of months ago that my obgyn retired. I learned this in a letter a couple of weeks after my annual check-up. Could he have not told me then? I mean, you're looking at my most private parts, you can pretty much tell me anything.

The thought of having to find a new doctor in this field is not appealing to me. I just got settled in with my old doctor, and he'd been my doctor since before Beau and I got married (minus the six years we lived in Tulsa).

I decided I needed to have some criteria that my next possible doctor must meet.

Here goes:

#1 - You must not be young or good-looking. Too awkward.

#2 - You must not be older than 70. Too creepy and close to retirement.

#3 - You must not make eye contact with me during the breast exam. Again, awkward.

#4 - You must not make small talk when doing the breast or other exam. Same awkwardness.

#5 - Warm hands are a must. Dry, scaly hands are a must-not.

#6 - You must not have goofy, silly pictures on the ceiling. Seriously. This is not funny or amusing. Just do what you gotta do and do it quickly.

#7 - The stirrups may not be covered with furry tigers or any other animal for that matter.

#8 - And, just for your information, peeing in a cup .... HARD ... VERY HARD. Please don't ever ask me to do it again.

#9 - I must be comfortable talking with you about intimate details related to my most private parts. You are not allowed to giggle.

#10 - When I do tell you these intimate details, not only are you not allowed to giggle, but you also may not say, "Deal with it," or "You're just getting older. It's perfectly normal." And, while I'm at it EVERYTHING is not because of hormones. And, I am not perimenopausal. Puh-lease.
(Following video is PG-13. Hi-larious! Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is definitely my long-lost sister. I totally relate to her characters.)

Oh, and I know what you'll say, ... "Go to a woman." Yeah, I'm trying that. We'll see how that works out.

FYI: This post was formed in a one-hour-and-fifteen-minute dental procedure. My mouth was open the entire time and I had to pee. That has to be some form of torture somewhere. Painful in several ways. 

And actually, the post started out as why I like to visit the gynecologist more than the dentist, but too many suggestive parallels that some may not have found too humorous, even though I did. (wink)

21 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi - I feel like I know since I read your blog which sounds weird when you actually type. Anyway - I know you are referring to Dr. Broussard retiring (or Jerry B as we have always called him - grew up knowing him and his kids - tailgate with him at LSU, etc.) and I could have never gone to him when I got back to town for the reasons you listed. I go to Dr. Monteilth - same practice - delvered last baby - she is great. A good friend just used the newest doc (Opal something) to deliver her first baby and loved her. Feel free to email me - jennifer.drago@usdoj.gov -

H-Mama said...

hilarious!

Rach@In His Hands said...

Whew, I'm glad my lady doctor fits your criteria....that visit is awkward enough without adding in extra awkwardness!

Hilarious video.

RachelQ said...

I go to a lady too.. the only male dr I liked was the one I went to while J and I lived in LA.. he was great..met your criteria..

Jen said...

I recently had a dentist appointment and my gyno appointment the same day. I'd go to the gynocologist any day. Dentist are just plain evil people who want all my money.

Lisa said...

That clip cracked me up!!!
One time my husband went in with me and the Dr. actually leaned on my knees and had a conversation with my husband. Hello! Awkward Can you can talk about that later?

Blessings - Lisa

amber said...

My doc just retired too! Could it be the same one? I'm actually trying a woman doctor this time.

jennifer said...

I don't think there is any way to make the experience comfortable. Even with a female doctor, they are still... well, it is what it is.

TCKK said...

I hate the dentist and the gynocologist. Do you ever wondered what made them decide, "Hey I want to stick my hands in peoples mouths (or the other end) all day for a living?!?

"Rachel" said...

OK I want to hear the gyno vs. dentist. :)

McElroy Family Happenings said...

Oh my gosh. Yuck! Awkward! It is better with a female doctor, though. Have "fun" trying to find a new doc. Blech.

Darla said...

i hate the dentist probably more than the obgyn. however, they are both on my bad list. i am sorry you are having to find another one. that is not a fun thing to do, because like, what if the one you choose isnt good, then you have to do it again next year? uhhgg. good luck! hope the dental visit ended up good.

thedomesticfringe said...

The only time I've been happy to see my OBGYN was when I had a baby slipping from my womb.

Haven't been happy to see the dentist yet.

-FringeGirl

creative gal said...

Too funny and so true!! I like my male gyn. . .took me a while to find one. .. He is very patient and a Christian. . .

Sara@i.Sass said...

I'm gonna just say this: and it is my OWN personal opinion.
I have BOTH male and female Dr. perform the "duties" gotta say I was MORE creeped out by the gentleness and careful hands of the lady. It just was like WOH, I get that we are the same and all, but not sure I like the tenderness...
I knida like the small talk aotherwise I just laugh through the boob part. actually I ask awkard questions, it seems to make the exam go faster. LOL They just want me the heck out of there and the say as they are bolting "Everything looks good we don't have to see you for three years."
(I've never had an abnormal pap)

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

This one needs to go in your "Mama Belle at her Finest" hall of fame - hilarious. And so, so true. I have never gone to a male, I've always been comfortable with the females I've gone to, but I know that's not everyone's opinoin.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

My one and only rule is they have to be a woman...I can't for the life of me go to a man...creeps me out :)

SmockLady said...

OK, you know I mostly lurk. And have only commented once or twice. I really don't want to hijack your post, but you must read my little story I shared a while back (a good while). After reading your 'point of view' here's another: oxymorons, etc.

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

I selected a female and have been extremely happy. Awkwardness quotient went way down.

Birdie said...

You're so right, I WAS thinking you should go to a female GYN. I've never had a male Dr except when I had my kids because they were in the practice and happened to be on duty that day. About that time though you could care less who's in the room. Hope you find a good one!

Anonymous said...

I'm feeling your pain, as I, too, just found out my Gyno is retiring in a few months!! I've had him for 14 years, and he's the BEST! Plus, he's not even retirement age, yet! It just stinks. I have no idea who I'm going to go to now. B/c I've seen lots of different ones during my 3 pregnancies and none of them measured up! :( Best wishes to you in your search.
Heather