Sunday, February 1, 2009

Saul and Me

Really, I'm OK.

I have a friend who says I'm so guarded.

When he said that, I said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "Every time you post about your feelings or what's going on in your head, you always spill it, then fix yourself by the end of your post. It's like you're saying, 'I don't need your help. I already know how to fix myself. So, don't even tell me anything; I know it all.'"

So, I intentionally did not "fix" myself by the end of my last post. Well, I did at first, but then hit delete just to show that I'm not guarded.

And, I now understand why I am so guarded ... because I don't want to hear all the "are you ok's?' and about how wonderful I am. And that's what happens.

It's the compliments. Hate 'em.


They make me feel uncomfortable.


It's selfishness and pride.

It doesn't seem like it, but it is.

My Ladies' Bible Study group is reading Beth Moore's, "A Heart Like His," mainly because David is so fascinating to so many of us.

Then, as I'm reading about David's back-story last night, I realized that I'm just like Saul, when I want to be just like David ... well, the "man after God's own heart" part.

I read this:

"How do we distinguish between godly humility and low self-esteem? Which did Saul display? One key lies in our focus. A person with godly humility looks to the Master. He or she neither exalts nor denigrates self because to do either is to make self the center of our universe. When we're really serving Christ, our reputations and abilities simply cease to be so important. We must decrease that He may increase.

Saul exhibited the core sin of all self-centered people: he focused on himself. We need to recognize that lack of confidence does not equal humility. In fact, genuinely humble people have enormous confidence because it rests in a great God. Saul's self-centeredness eventually cost him dearly, as a self-focus always does."

That's huge.

I always knew that low self-esteem was a form of pride, but I really got it after reading this.

Now, I know that most people struggle with low self-esteem in some form, but I think women struggle with it most ... trying to fit into the mold that society has made for us and not the one God has made for us.

We must embrace who we are and who God has created and molded us to be. That's hard because so many times we want to be something else.

I want to put away selfish things ... like focusing on myself and how much I think I stink at stuff, and how I wish I were the best at one thing in life, and how I think I'll never be good enough, etc., etc., etc. (There I go again.)

I challenge myself to not say one negative thing about myself this week. We'll see how that goes. I'll let you know.

I don't want to be a Saul. I want to be a David. David was not perfect, but he recognized his sin and  ran to God and dealt with it. I imagine David would sing this. 

"Draw me ever closer to look upon Your face." Love that line. I want to always run to Him and allow Him to be my hiding place, where I find all I need, including who I am and who He's created me to be.


thedomesticfringe said...

Great post! Thank you.

RachelQ said...

Sounds like a great study. You know, sometimes I fix myself at the end only because by typing it out I realize what I must do....

Rachel said...

This post spoke to me. On so many levels. Thank you.

rebel said...

Thank you very much, I needed this.

Sara@i.Sass said...

So does this mean I can't compliment you? I don't think I could NOT do that.
You are a source of wisdom for me...ok I'll rephrase that. God's wisdom comes out of you in a way that I can handle, in a way that makes sense to me. You have insight which I do not, and I am grateful to "know" your heart, which I find charming and loving.
You bring me to my knees somedays with your conviction, though you are convicting yourself, it is light He chose you to spread it...then in those times it is not just you looking to Him, it is the rest of us too, that may not even have been thinking there was a need to get on our knees that day...So you can guard with me anytime! ;)

The Hat Chick said...

I read your post three times. It's amazing how Satan works on us from every single angle. Anything to distract us from His will and grace.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Hey Lady...I love this post, because I relate to it in so many ways.

The more God reveals to me about my own heart, the less I like what I see. So thankful He never gives up on us, no matter what.

sara said...

wow, this post is exactly what I needed to hear today. I loved that study....may have to pull my book out off the shelf....

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

SOunds like a good reminder of being more like HIM everyday right? Thanks for always being inspiring!

Lily said...

Thank you for posting this. I've struggled with humility versus low self esteem, and I've always kindof equated them with one another... but you're right. Low self-esteem is like saying "what God made isn't enough," and depending on ourselves to do the big things, rather than resting in God's ability to work out what he has called us to do.

~ Straight Shooter ~ said...

Amen Sister!
Thank you!

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

I love this Mama Belle! It spoke very directly to some issues I have been having many talks with God about. LOVE the song!

Andrea @ Mommy said...

OK, so I relate. Like, I joke sometimes that I'm confident but really it's all a joke! And, I realize if people don't know me, they don't get my joke and probably think I'm a proud snob. But, really I'm not.

I think getting on my knees is so much better (and cheaper) than hopping on a couch to get therapy.

I just love your personality!